I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
