I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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