Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
