when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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