do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
