Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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