Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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