I think I won the penis lottery.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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