I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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