Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
