i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
