And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
