I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
