just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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