Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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