did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
