there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
