people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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