Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
