I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
