Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
