I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
