A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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