Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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