Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
