all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
