I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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