He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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