4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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