Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize