I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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