Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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