Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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