If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
