So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
