someone get that fucking seahorse.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
