This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
