I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
