Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
