Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
