Your face is a jimmy john
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
