I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
