I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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