low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
