I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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