so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
