I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
