don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
