chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize