I accidentally burped into my bong.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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