yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
