He asked to "fluff my boner.."
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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