I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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