mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
