So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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