i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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